My room smells like vodka and shame
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
