So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just blew my weed a kiss
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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