it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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