Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
