If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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