dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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