He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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