i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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