need another drink. this is the easiest way
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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