you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
