she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
