Don't make out with my wife yet
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
