She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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