When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
