Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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