I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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