My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Found the puke drawer
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
