Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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