He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
