tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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