Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
