We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
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Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Couch. On fire.