nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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