I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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