He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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