I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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