i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
