this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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