When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
