saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
