I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
why didn't you poke me back
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
