Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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