I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
