I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
