you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
