my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
