Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
