My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
