so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my shit smells like andre
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Even my vagina gasped.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
