I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
