My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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