I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
