i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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