i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
