saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
