The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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