the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
