We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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