god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The beer is more important than you right now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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