I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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