people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
