Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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