I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
