i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
