We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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