someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
